Gordy, The Sqrlian Being (xyzzysqrl) wrote,

Sonic Heroes - Team ... no, no I can't.

Happy new year, everyone, and welcome back. Today I'm doing the ...

...Today I'm watching the demo reels, the attract mode, the gameplay stuff that gets played if you sit with the game on the title screen long enough. Y'know, in case you're typing? While I've been watching I've watched the Hero Team do part of a level, then charge into a block Knuckles is supposed to break (but doesn't), run into it headfirst for a good ten seconds, flip to flight mode and jump sideways off a cliff into the ocean.

I've also watched Team Rose clip through the flippers in a pinball machine and bounce between a couple of bumpers in a pinball machine while the camera twitches around and the flippers flap as if they're SUPPOSED to be pulling off sweet moves in there.

Y'know, I think the 360 emulation on this game may be just a tiny tiny bit screwed up. Which in a way is genuinely freeing. It ISN'T MY FAULT if things get messed up. So!

Today I'm doing the Hero Team, on the grounds that they're likely the most "Normal" of the group. Team Sonic, go!

Team Sonic's storyline starts with Sonic running around which as far as I can tell is what he does all the time anyway. Going through those naturally-occurring loops in the landscape. Tails and Knuckles show up in a plane, and Tails passes Sonic a note! It's Eggman, gloating in the world's biggest, blockiest font that HE'S BEING EVIL AGAIN. BETTER COME STOP ME, SONIC!

God just make OUT you two.

Tails and Knuckles leap out of the plane, which presumably spirals off and explodes, and they mysteriously run from the desert all the way to a beach. ...oh. Oh god. It's the same first stage. Okay, maybe it's not ALL the same stages? ... No, checking a guide, every character trio has to do exactly the same levels. Sigh.

I have to admit, I'm amused by Knuckles. Apparently he wears the other two as gloves when he punches, now. Unfortunately ramps are still kinda busted, and this one early on keeps shooting Sonic off into the ocean so:

Death by Glitch Count: 13... 14... 15... 20, and a restart of the level ...

No, at 25 I realize I just can't seem to get past this one ramp in the first stage. I... no. Y'know, maybe it's just broken, maybe it's just me, but ... I'm done here. My first game of the year is my first incomplete of the year. I made a good-faith effort. I'm out.

Normally I am all about DETERMINATION and WARK WORKING THROUGH EVEN THE TOUGHEST GAMES and CHALLENGING MYSELF TO OVERCOME and all but ... no I cannot do this. I'm sorry, Sonic Heroes. I cannot like you. You have a rocking theme song but that is all.

The thing is, I'm willing to accept that MAYBE it's just my copy/the Xbox version of the game. I'll... try again on a PS2/Gamecube emulated version later in the year and see if those are smoother.

Please enjoy this adorable video while I have some chocolate and cooldown time.

Okay. What's next?




We're going way, WAY back for this one. It's only the -fifth game- of the entire series. (I bought the 29th recently in hardcopy!) I fully expect some early-installment weirdness going on. I just hope I finish this...

I really don't want to make this The Year I Didn't Finish Anything And Got Really Sad.

Well. See you next time.

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