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Recordkeeping: The First Templar INCOMPLETE - The Forbidden Codex of The Pink Beyond - A Sqrl's Journal

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June 19th, 2017

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02:03 pm - Recordkeeping: The First Templar INCOMPLETE
Before we address the game, we need to talk about the launcher. It requires a login with the studio that made the game, Kalypso. So I put my email and a password and the game key in there and it reluctantly lets me through to play the game.


Upon returning the launcher informs me that I haven't clicked the link in the verification email and so my account isn't verified. Okay cool, I only registered my CD key with you dudes, y'all could check Steam but whatever let's do this. I hit "Resend Email".

And wait, and wait, and wait wait wait. Hit resend email again. It's been about an hour and a half as of this writing and after three tries and all that waiting there's no email in my box or my spam folder. That's not even counting the game asking me to link it to Facebook when I curiously tried to set it to drop-in co-op multiplayer. This game wants in-roads to your life like it's pretending to actually be the Catholic Inquisition.

So... as far as I can tell I am actually locked out of this game forever, unless I decide to contact customer support or something. That is... kind of not really a problem? I was ENJOYING The First Templar but it was not a good game. Kind of a solid 5/10 You Tried. Your templar hero and his companion (at first another templar, soon a dagger wielding 'witch' you save from the Inquisition) walk through castles and forests slashing at things and mashing buttons and doing special moves. It's like Streets Of Rage 1307 AD.

I have to take a moment to highlight the "banter", which is such Quipping 101 stuff that even I couldn't enjoy it, and I LOVE terrible banter.

Templar: "These are SEWERS."
*long silence*
Templar: "So they must have an exit."

Templar: "It's spikes. Lots and lots of spikes."
Witch: "The designer who builds all the traps?"
Templar: "What about him?"
Witch: "I hate him."

Witch: "Look. More traps."
Templar: "Is this feminine intuition?"
Witch: "No, I noticed the skeletons."

Witch: "I enjoy eavesdropping. It's a woman thing."
Witch, fifteen minutes later: "I enjoy treasure. It's a woman thing."

So there's THAT shit too.

ughhhh I dunno it was objectively a BAD game and only my superhuman ability to enjoy bad games kept me going, but they TRIED? Like, you could get collectable costumes and weapons for cosmetic purposes, and you have a big elaborate skill tree, and the levels are big and have a lot of stuff you can just stumble on and discover...

...but really I guess I'm not gonna bother chasing this game down and jumping through hoops to get access back. I have other, better games to play. I got the gist of this one, and reading the plot summary on Wikipedia it TRIED to pull a Shocking Midgame Twist but I'm not gonna get there (I was on the level where it happens) and it really doesn't deserve that kind of emotional payoff anyway.

What a mess.

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